Tag Archives: Self

A Late #SoCS – Directions

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I am running late this week on my #SoCS, but here I am. So Linda gave us the prompt of “directions”.  So I looked at a frozen dinner in my freezer and one of those Yakisoba soups and their directions started with peel back the corner to vent contents.

Peeling back the corner of the box is kind of like peeling back that first layer of an onion. This reminds me of a classic line from Mike Meyers as Shrek to Eddie Murphy as Donkey in the family movie Shrek. “Ogre’s are like onions!”

For me this particular time of recovery from my problems with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine addiction is a reminder that those of us in recovery that are really taking their program seriously are not ogres but they are definitely like onions. As people in recovery we are slowly peeling back those layers until we get to the very core of what we are and why we are alcoholics and addicts. You see as I am moving through my recovery, I am doing things differently. I am beginning to see those 9th Step Promises coming true and I am not even a third of the way through the simple program that is suggested.

Tomorrow I will have four months in recovery and I am truly blessed to have a great sponsor who refuses to let me rest on my laurels. Right now there are no face to face meetings but I am still able to attend meetings with my online home group Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous that happens to meet in the our church In The Rooms an online recovery place which has so many other recovery program meetings for any addiction that you can imagine. I am working my steps and I am about to embark on my 4thStep which will demand true rigorous honesty on my part.

On my 90th day of recovery I purchased a brand new 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage. I would have never imagined that I would own a brand-new car. I am working a job that pays $10.50 an hour and yet I have no fear of economic insecurity. I am feeling a mental peace that I have never know even during my previous 2 1/2 years of sobriety between February 2014 and September 14th, 2016 when I turned 50 and unfortunately threw that sobriety away and have been struggling through relapses and recoveries over and over again.

In December 2019 my husband of almost 19 years at the time had open heart surgery and I did not handle it well at all. In fact, I wedged his truck in concrete barrier on Christmas Eve when I went out and got drunk – luckily, I was able to have it winched out and I drove it home. But that wasn’t enough. On New Year’s Eve I had no intention of drinking let alone getting drunk because I had to open the Dollar General that I worked at 7AM. Well I did get drunk, did not open the store and then proceeded on a bender due to the shame and remorse. On January second, I returned the keys to the store and as I was leaving, I did wreck my husband’s truck and damaged the right headlight and hood area. Again, going into another bender until the night of January 3rd when I had my last drink.

Next weekend I will be taking a rite of passage and taking a road trip in my brand-new car to Lamar, Missouri where I was born and spent summers and Christmases with my grandparents who are long gone. Sunday is May 10th, and in Mexico every and every so many years including this year is Mother’s Day. I will be going to have a conversation with my mother at her graveside as she passed on Mother’s Day May 10th 1998. But I will also be seeing my grandmothers and grandfathers, my brother and other relatives that have passed over the years. This trip I anticipate will be very cathartic and yes I NEED TO TAKE THIS TRIP, even during this troubling time in America I cannot allow my fears of another health issue to stand in my way of taking down a demon that has been such a huge part of my multiple journeys into relapsing and recovery.

This time I know that if I pick up one drink, I might as well just die because I do have another relapse in me that would be the most horrible of them all, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME!!!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!!

 

 

#FOWC – Radar

ra·dar: /ˈrāˌdär/ – noun

  1. A system for detecting the presence, direction, distance, and speed of aircraft, ships, and other objects, by sending out pulses of high-frequency electromagnetic waves that are reflected off the object back to the source.

  2. An apparatus used for radar. Plural noun: radars

  3. Used to indicate that someone or something has or has not come to the attention of a person or group.

Related imageAs a person who not only suffers from being bipolar with depression but also has struggled through chronic relapses and forays into recovery, I always believed that my drinking or using was going on under the RADAR unless of course I was truly drunk or otherwise. Only a true sick person would not see that their behaviors when using never change and they always on their loved ones radar.

On Saturday 3/16/2019 I picked up a new 60 day chip, my 60 days was actually on 3/9 but I wanted to get my chip during our monthly BBQ at my home group The Goliad Group. It is so great to have people in your life that never judge you no matter how many times you fall and get back up!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#FOWC

#SoCS & #FOWC 3/2/19 – Celerity and the Case for it!!!

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Throughout every one of my chronic relapses my husband, family and friends often tried to make the case  for why I needed to make changes in my live with celerity and to quit dinking and other things if that were the case.

It was not until I decided in the same spirit of celerity that I made the case for me to return to recovery from alcoholism and addiction that I decided again, once and for all to return to face to face meetings and my online video meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous with In The Rooms and Global Steps AA along with getting back to a daily routine of activities that keeps me busy and reminds me that I do not need to drink just for today!!

I know that every day that I do not drink or otherwise is a miracle and I thank God everyday for waking me up. I ask him to help me to remain clean and sober just for the day. At the end of the day I tell him thank you for his assistance in the day!!

Just for today, I will remain clean and sober!!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

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This post is part of #SoCS and #FOWC for 3/2/19!!

A milestone I thought I would not reach!!!

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I love being able to write and share my journey through recovery and all that it has entailed over the past few years. I love being able to share the adventures or misadventures of being a pack parent of multiple dogs with my husband of 18 years. It excites me to know that just like when I share in face to face meeting or an online meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I never know whose life I may be touching by sharing my EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE regarding my struggles with alcoholism and addiction. It is also extremely cathartic to share my struggles with being bipolar and dealing constantly with depression. TRUST, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!!

Today I am extremely humbled by a milestone that I never would have dreamed happening when I started my original blog “What’s Rattling My Cage?” on August 7, 2014. My last post on that site was on March 30, 2017, then having lost access to it I began  my new blog “My Rattled Cage” on August 27, 2017.

The MILESTONE I am speaking of is that as of today February 26, 2018 My Rattled Cage has gained 100 FOLLOWERS!! For this I am extremely grateful and I as I said humbled. I am blessed to have the ability to share my thoughts, my life and of course our four -legged babies with the world with this awesome platform. I wish to thank someone very close to me who actually has three blogs Just something I was thinking about . . ., Windchimes and Dreamcatchers, and Cracking the F*c! Up for reminding me that I am a writer and that it would be very beneficial for me to start a blog. I never would have imagined how enjoyable, freeing and cleansing having a blog would be.

To all of my followers, THANK YOU so much for taking the time to stop by and then choosing to follow My Rattled Cage after stopping by!!!!

I hope that I continue to write and hopefully help others in their journey through life and recovery!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

FOWC with Fandango 2/13/19 — Tribute

I waited so late to write this post because I wanted to get it posted as close to the end of the night as possible. My tribute is to my husband Cruz first, and then also his mother Amelia.

Tomorrow February 14th, 2019 Cruz and I celebrate our 18th Anniversary. Mind you we are not married per se because I do not believe in same sex marriage because of my faith. My Catholic faith teaches me that while marriage between a man and woman is for love, the main purpose is for procreation. Cruz and I will not be procreating ever even though we have had many four -legged children in our 18 years.

Cruz and I are just as married as any couple that has ever had a ceremony. We have our trials and tribulations – many of them my doing, yet we have made the commitment to love, cherish and honor each other through sickness and health, richer or poorer, good times or bad until death separates us. I am extremely blessed that this man has loved and supported me through all my chronic relapses and returns recovery.

He is compassionate, empathetic, non-emotional (we are working on that), and extremely loving. God knew what he was doing when he made Cruz call information in January 2001 to find my number because he needed a friend.

Cruz truly is my savior beside my God and Jesus Christ. If it were not for him and hi love, patience and compassion – I would probably be dead, in jail or in prison. His mother has truly blessed me with her love and laughter as well for our entire 18 years. She came into my just a little before 3 years after my own mother had passed, so in essence she is my mother and I love her more than she will ever know!!

Please enjoy some of my favorite pictures of me, Cruz and his mother!!!! I will go in at a later time to add some captions to these pictures. I need to get better with that.

 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#FOWC – Tribute

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan 8th – Self

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Self, when I think of self lately, I haven’t thought very highly of myself. 2018 was a very tough year for myself and those around me. Some of it because of my own doing, some of it because of my mental health and physical health issues.

2019 now has become my year of self renewal, faith renewal, and I am hoping a whole lot of self-love. Because as Rupaul Charles says, “if you can’t love yourself how the hell can you love somebody else! Can I get an amen!”

In one of the photos you see the hand that says balance, calmness, determination, confidence, willpower and self-control. 2019 has got to be the year that all six of these come to fruition for me. As an unemployed, person thriving with HIV/AIDS for 22 years not just surviving, with alcoholism and addiction issues, and no health insurance – 2018 became abundantly depressing and very scary for me. That is because I was not aware of how much help is out there if you truly reach out to your team and tell them that you are at your end mentally and physically because you’re tired.

I am very proud to say that I am now working with my team of mental health, recovery health, and my medical team to put me back together just as though I was Humpty Dumpty that fell off the wall.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage” thank you for stopping by!

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