The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the adjective inchoate as being only partly in existence or operation or imperfectly formed or formulated.
This word is very interesting to me and fits into two aspects of my life. As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder with depression that often is deep and long, I feel as though I am inchoate. You see when I am deep in my disease of alcoholism and addiction, often brought on by my mental illness issues, I feel as though my existence is nonexistent. Does this make sense?
As a gay man who knew at the age of six that he was different and has had many struggles over the years, I have also felt as though I was imperfectly formed mentally and otherwise. However, when I became strong in my faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God, I realized that I am not imperfectly formed. I am just how God intended for me to be. I am a 51-year-old gay man that has been married to his husband for over 17 years, with seven dogs and I have been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 21 years. All of this along with my demons of alcoholism and addiction and the mental illness are just facets of my life for which I ask God to continue to help me remain clean and sober just for today, while asking for his grace to be over me at all times.
The second aspect is my writing. I love to write and have many things that I can write about. The issue is that because I do not write every day or as much as I would like my writing may sometimes be inchoate. Yet writing is an art form that improves with time and content. I am a personal writer, I have some pretty strong political opinions that for some reason have held back on, and I am not afraid to share who am with any because my story may actually help someone else struggling in the same areas.
This is what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!
As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict I have heard the statement above hundreds of times. Unfortunately it make take multiple times before the dawn sticks. The fact of the matter is that until this darkness comes most of us who struggle will not take the first step in admitting there is a problem. But once we do and we truly mean business the dawn and new and fulfilling life without alcohol and drugs is very possible. We just have to work extremely hard, rid ourselves of PEOPLE – PLACES – THINGS, surround ourselves with a support system that is unfailing, get into some support program such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous or any type of program that will work for us. I attend online meetings with Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous through IntheRooms.com which is a great accompaniment to face to face meetings. I also have The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 24 Hours a Day, According to Bill, Daily Reflections, Living Sober and several more books that are personal stories of those who came before me.
This blog is not nor will it ever be a religious preachy blog. But I will tell you that you may often read items about my faith and how it intertwines and continues to mold my life. The great thing about 12 step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous is that they are SPIRITUALLY based but they are not religious. For those struggling with their spirituality anything or anyone can be their Higher Power. I choose to call my Higher Power God because I am a very spiritual and faithful Catholic. That does not mean that my faith has not been tested and shaken because of my personal demons. I do know that when I am right with my faith and my spirit all things are possible through my Higher Power.
I am a work in progress – PROGRESS not PERFECTION and that is all I can be on a daily basis. I once had 2 1/2 years clean and sober. Over the last year and a half I have changed my sobriety date more times than I care to admit. Today I have 45 days clean and sober. I know that when I went to my ACTS Retreat 11/30 -12/2 I had a most extraordinary faith affirming, transformational and life changing experience. I have said in previous posts that I have heard many times to leave your burdens on the alter. At that retreat I prayed, I meditated and I left my alcoholism and cocaine addiction on the Alter of the Tabernacle. Since the retreat I have been blessed to not have the incessant crippling obsession – no desire – and no thoughts. That being said I am still working my program and continuously asking my Higher Power to assist me in remaining clean and sober.
JUST FOR TODAY, I WILL REMAIN CLEAN AND SOBER!!!
That is what is in My Rattled Cage today!
So on Thursday September 14th I turned 51. For my One Liner Wednesday post I stated that after my crappy 50th year, I hoped that my 51st year would be one hell of a lot better. How will that happen? I have remind myself daily that as a recovering alcoholic and recovering cocaine addict I am constantly evolving.
Part of the process of evolving is making sure that I remember to stay away from the 3 “P’s” – people, places and things that cause those triggers to come to the surface. I always tell my husband that I am and always will be a work in progress. There will never be a time when I will not be evolving.
JUST FOR TODAY I WILL REMAIN CLEAN & SOBER!!!
That is what is My Rattled Cage!!!
This CRAPPY 50th year will be over tomorrow when this very grateful HIV+/AIDS having individual thriving not surviving, recovering alcoholic and recovering cocaine addict turns 51, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me and may the 51st year be one hell of a lot better!!!!!