Tag Archives: bipolar

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 22nd – Curiosity

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As children our curiosity is boundless, because we want to touch, smell, even taste everything. Think about toddlers, they are curious about keys, anything shiny and even people. As they grow, they become curious about their toys and how they work, or even other things they like – playing outside, learning to ride their tricycle and then their bikes. Children become curious about different foods – that is how we become finicky eaters or adventurous eaters. Children become curious about other children, and as they become teenagers, they become even more curious about others.

As teenagers they become curious as to what is so cool about smoking cigarettes, what is so cool about attending parties where alcohol should not be at but is. Some teenagers become curious as to what happens if they smoke marijuana with their friends, they may even experience with other drugs or activities that are not their norm.

As adulthood sets in the curiosity may wane or change specifically towards what type of education they want to achieve, what their dream job may be all the while having that fear of the unknown deep in the recesses of their mind. The curiosity at this point in their early adulthood, if it has not already happened, is what is their faith and how does their faith play into their lives. They may be curious as to whether the person they are involved with are their one and only or they may be curious as to who else may be out there waiting for them.

As they get older and hopefully more mature, they may get to the stage where I am. I am at the stage where I am curious to know – why am I here, what is God’s purpose for me? I am curious and truly want to understand my depression and being bipolar. I am also curious and want to truly know exactly why the mental obsession regarding alcohol or other addictive substances can be so strong on some days and yet not even be present on others. I do have a fear of the unknown right now because I am unemployed, and I am working to find a job. I have had such a tough road over the last few years, some of it my own doing and some of it not my own doing. I also have a fear of the unknown because of all the turmoil going on in our country right now – mind you there is nothing I can do about this turmoil other than pray, but still the fear is there.

The great thing is that at the age of 52, I am still very curious about many things. I specifically am curious as to know what would happen if I chose to join a political campaign if there were an opening or is it possible for me to even enter politics myself considering my background. I am curious as to where my writing is going to take me, I know that deep inside I do have one heck of a novel that is itching to be written. I do know this, I am looking forward to whatever is coming down the road for me and mine, because the one thing am curious about is the fact that my God does not make mistakes and He has me here for a reason!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 22nd

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 21st -Echo

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Echo began as a tough topic for me. I have sat here for the last two hours trying to detemrine what to write. Finally, I have come upon something that think anyone who struggles with alcoholism, addiction, depression and being bipolar or any other type of mental illness, will certainly understand and appreciate.

Throughout my many years of dealing with my alcoholism and addiction issues I have heard the echos of the same refrain of concern and love from my sisters, my nieces, my grandmother when she was alive, most recently my father, my friends, my therapist and psychiatrist and of course my husband. The first echoing message is this – “We love you and we are worried that you are going continue to do harm to yourself to the point of death from alcohol or you are going to hurt someone else because of your alcohol use.”

The second echoing message is, “The only way this is going to change is if you want to make the change and do the work. The alcoholism and adiction, you can change, we know the mental health issues are lifelong issues that you can help with medication. The drinking and other use, you do have control over and you have to want to change or it will never happen.”

It is very important to note that I am back at that place where I am ready and willing to do the hard work to remain clean and sober,  just for today and that is the most important statement that I can and will echo every single day!!

THat’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 21st

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 20th – Serendipity

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When I think of all the things in my life that have happened serendipitously, I am amazed because I have had such a strange but exciting life despite my battles with alcoholism and addiction, my battles with depression and being bipolar, thriving, not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for 22 years now.

I must honestly say that the most precious and important occurrence of serendipity has got to be when my husband of almost 18 years, Cruz called information to find my number in January 2001 because he just needed a friend to talk to. I have mentioned in previous posts that Cruz and I became friends in 1997 but had lost contact for a few years. When he called me in January 2001, I was by no means looking for love, a relationship or even any other type of encounters. I was happy just being me and working for SITEL Corporation as an Operations Team Manager.

But our whirlwind courtship was just amazing and call me a hopeless romantic, but when I received two dozen long stem red roses at work on Valentine’s Day 2001, I knew that Cruz was a keeper. When I moved in with him in October 2001, I brought two cats Mamas – who ran away not long after I moved in and Little Bit who passed in 2011 and Cruz had one dog Daisymae that had been with him 12 years already and she crossed the Rainbow Bridge in 2007. If you had told me then that we would see each-other through multiple health issues leading to the death of his father in June 2006, the murder of his niece in March 2011, the deaths of both my grandmothers in the space of a little over 3 months – which caused a really bad downward spiral for me, his mother’s open heart surgery in July 2015 and of course the arrival of Stitch, Buddy, our first Tippy, Sissy, Missy, Fluffy,, Minnie (Doodle), Patty and our second Tippy who over the years have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and of course our current four legged babies Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey Sadie and Stitchy – I would have told you that you were crazy because I never saw myself being loved and wanted by someone for the rest of my life.

One of the greatest things that ended up happening serendipitously was when Cruz bought our current house in 2006, he reminds me often that he bought this house for me. I have been truly blessed through all my madness and I am always happy to find some SERENDIPITY wherever it comes from. But today – I thank my God for all the gifts in my life and all of the most important people in my life – my sisters, their husbands, my nieces and their children, my father and stepmother, Cruz and of course his mother, and the many friends over the years especially my best friend Yoli who by the way is one of those pieces of serendipity in my life.
That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 20th

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 17th – Inch

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When I saw the prompt for today, I immediately thought of the adage -” If you give them an inch, they will take a mile!”. This in turn took me to what I as an alcoholic and addict realized to be so true.

My husband and I will be celebrating 18 years on Valentine’s Day and I will be honest with you, I don’t know how he does it. I guess part of how he does is that we deal with his own issue of hoarding which times has often been the bane of my existence. So, we both put up with being given an inch and taking a mile regarding our issues, both individually and together. Then I also found another very relevant thought which is below.

“Be careful with how much you tolerate. You are teaching them how to treat you!”

I truly believe that statement to be true. Because he has been so much a codependent and part of the rationalism problem, he has continued to give inch after inch after inch and I have continued to take mile after mile after mile because he tolerated it and taught me how to treat him. That is all about to change for good!!!

The most I really tolerate is the hoarding, because I truly have been blessed with someone that for the most part has been a wonderful partner who loves me for all my faults and of course loves our Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and Stitchy.

He on the other hand has really had to deal with not only my bouts with alcoholism and addiction, but he also had to deal with my mental illness issues of depression and being bipolar. The diagnosis of bipolar and the depression were not diagnosed until I was 47 which was five years ago. Yet they had always been there I just never had a name for them. My manic episodes have run gamut of extremely happy and getting things done to OMG – where is this coming from and what do I do.

I believe that unfortunately because of my addictive personality and all the other issues, I truly was one to take a mile when he gave me an inch – and not just once! This has been a recurring theme in our relationship, and somehow, he has left nor has he kicked me out the house, that he reminds often when I am on one of my rants due to drinking, that he bought for me. This last weekend began, what I had put on the calendar a few weeks ago, the purge. I have been trying to barter with him using my wanting to really work on my addictive issues if he would just start getting rid of all the crap that has taken up his bedroom, my dining room, our two-story garage and a storage unit – that he will never use. 

He worked all day Saturday and all-day Sunday and made some progress on his room. I do believe the work will continue, it may take several months but I do believe that at some point we will done with all the crap that will never be used and I pray that I keep my side of the bargain because I am truly tired of dealing with the addiction issues. The bipolarism and depression are doable with medication, but the alcoholism or other addiction issues are no longer wanted or needed.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 17th – Inch

Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Qualified

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018

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What makes a person qualified? Who determines that a person is qualified to do a specific job, to speak on a specific subject or to share their experiences. Ultimately it is the individual. One will apply for positions because they feel that they are qualified. Most people will not discuss topics unless they truly believe they know what they are talking about, because no one likes to seem like a fool. There are those of us who just have that gut feeling that they can possibly touch others by sharing their experience, strength and hope by telling their entire story with no reservations.

Let me preface this by saying, I am not arrogant nor do I think I have all the answers when it comes to recovery from alcoholism and addiction. What I will say is this, my story is my story and I am proud to say that while there have been many ups and downs in recovery and life in general, I am here and that is through the grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God and because I am unabashed about sharing who I am and where I have been along with where I want to go – I feel this makes me extremely qualified to share.

I am always blessed when I can speak of my troubles with my alcoholism, cocaine addiction, being bipolar and of course that double edged sword of depression. I love that I am a work in progress, I will never be perfect but with the help of my fellows and my faith, I continue to grow in recovery every day.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!

 

Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge: Higher Power

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge

 

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Every day I am blessed that My Higher Power whom I chose to call God is with me on this incredible and sometimes difficult journey of recovery from alcoholism and cocaine addiction. This journey also includes dealing with having bipolar affectation disorder and some deep depression that still comes on even though I am on Lithium and Bupropion, while thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 21 years..

That being said, I am also blessed to have a very loving and supportive family that has always seen me through THICK and THIN!!!!

This is what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!!