Tag Archives: alcoholism

#Socs 98/5/20 – “Sharp as a …..”

Today Linda has given us “sharp” as our prompt for this week’s #SoCS.

When I was younger I would be called sharp as a whip. As I became a teenager I became sharp as a pencil. As I moved through adulthood i was ranging from being sharp as a tack to being as sharp as a double edged sword with my fiery tacky sense of humor at times along with my very sharp tongue.

Today I deal a different type of sharpness. You see I have always been a go-getter especially when it comes to my work ethic. I currently find myself being called sharp in how I work, but I am also being called eager. Eager can be both a positive and a negative meaning that it can definitely be a sharp double edged sword.

The other double edged sword that I have to be very careful with is my recovery. I am very cognoscente that I must not stand still in my recovery, If I do I will be cut by that edge of the sword that cares nothing about me and my recovery.

September is National Recovery Month. We all know I am an open book and I am proud that I am in recovery! The last few years have been a struggle, but I am so proud to say I have 8 months of sobriety today. Unfortunately it took my husband Cruzer having open heart surgery in December of 2019 and me not taking it well for me to really wake up, but I am woke!

I am blessed to have a huge support network in my family, friends and my fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. But it is important to note that the number one thing that I have in my recovery is my Higher Power whom choose to call GOD!

If you know someone who is struggling with any type of addiction please let them know about a really great supplement to face to face meetings. In The Rooms that has meetings all day everyday for almost every type of addiction you can think of. I have a home group online Global Steps AA, that has a total of 64 meetings per week and just happens to meet in the church of In The Rooms!!!

So in order for me to be sure and handle the edge of the sword that does care about my recovery the way that I do, I do some pretty simple steps. I remain sharp as a tack in regards to my character defects coming to the surface and nip them in the bud. I thank my higher power whom I choose to call God every morning for allowing me to wake up and not just come to. I am in constant contact with my sponsor. I am currently working on my 4th step.

I love doing service, in fact I truly believe that in 2016 when I turned 50, the whole reasoning behind my major relapse and then continuing to have issues with relapse and recovery – was because I had gotten mad at folks in my home group the Goliad Group and my online group – and I quit doing any type of service.

You see, I always say, I cannot keep what I do not give away freely!!!!!! That is a true statement if I am doing some sort of service for my fellow alcoholics then I cannot keep my sobriety. Today I chair meetings at my face to face home group and in my online home group. I share in every meeting that I can, because I never know who I will touch with my words of experience, strength and hope.

So as long I continue to work this sharp program of recovery, I WILL REMAIN SHARP AS A TACK!!!!

That’ what’s in MY Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

Late SoCS 8/22/20 -“Brush It Off”

Linda gave us the prompt of “brush” for this weeks #SoCS.

How is it that people do not and cannot follow traffic situations. On my main thoroughfare S. Presa St. there has been some utility work being done and the left hand side of the street is closed down with detour signs everywhere.

I drive this street everyday and I kid you not, every single time at least one driver decides to go around the barricade and drive on the wrong side of the street and then proceed to get mad when they almost hit me. Luckily, with my brand new car, I drive with so much more attention being paid to my surroundings and the other drivers that can often be idiots.

This brush with accidents daily would make you think well, why don’t you go a different way. I don’t drive a different way because I know that that side of the street is blocked and that a good driver will pay attention to the detour and not continue to give others a brush with accidents.

This kind of reminds me of the 3 1/2 years of my struggle with returning to my recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. Every time that I decided during this time to pick up a drink and not knowing when to stop I was bringing myself ever closer to that brush with not ever coming back. Some days there were even brushes with death and yet I just could not pick myself up and BRUSH all that crap off.

Today I have over 7 1/2 months of recovery and everyday I get up and I brush that negative crap out of my head and brush what litlle hair I have and I get on with my day and I do the most important thing.

I don’t pick up a drink – JUST FOR TODAY!!!! Let’s all get up and brush the crap away!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!

#SLS 5/17/20 – 180

song-lyric-sunday

This week Jim has given us the prompt of finding a song that includes a number for #SLS.

In many of my other posts I have written about my strong Catholic Faith along with many other aspects of my personal life. Today I have chosen a song by Jordan Feliz called “180”.  It is song about an individual asking for God to assist him in doing a 180 degree turnaround in their life and returning to remain in their faith.

This happens a lot to individuals like myself who suffer from the disease of alcoholism or any other addiction problems. But in order for a person to truly make that 180 degree turnaround they must truly do the work and have faith in a Higher Power that will be there through the good and the bad. I have truly turned my will back over to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God and I am happy that the 180 degree turnaround is happening in me and I am truly loving life and myself today.

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

Lyrics
Father, can You hear me now?
I’m feeling like I’ve let You down
I’ve lost the strength to turn myself around
I really hope You hear me now
How’d I get so far away?
What if I outrun Your grace?
Can You replace these broken yesterdays?
And promise me I’m not too late
Call me home, I want to be Your own
I’m running desperately into Your arms where I belong
And I know Your love can turn this heart
A hundred and eighty degrees to bring me back to where You are
Tell me I am welcomed in
Show me mercy doesn’t end
Wash these muddy stains that marked my skin
And tell me I can start again
Call me home, I want to be Your own
I’m running desperately into Your arms where I belong
And I know Your love can turn this heart
A hundred and eighty degrees to bring me back to where You are
I can barely believe it
You’re racing to meet me
Your eyes filled with healing, oh
Restoring, redeeming
Forgiving, receiving
This is my beginning, oh
Call me home, I want to be Your own
I’m running desperately into Your arms where I belong (I belong)
And I know Your love can turn this heart
A hundred and eighty degrees to bring me back to where You are
I’m running desperately, ooh
A hundred and eighty degrees, I’m back to where You are
A hundred and eighty degrees
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Colby Wedgeworth

Happy Mother’s Day!!! – 5/10/20

HappyMothersDay20

Today I write this post from my birthplace, Lamar, Missouri. I drove up yesterday so that I could lay flowers at my mother’s grave who passed 22 years ago today on May 10, 1998 which just so happened to be Mother’s Day.

This trip was one I needed to take because I have never been at my mother’s grave alone and so I have never had the chance to have a long conversation with her and tell her that I no longer blame her for all the things that happened to me as I was growing up nor for the choices that I have made as an adult. I have always held resentments towards her and my father because they did not know how to raise or handle a boy. I used to think they never wanted a boy.  I now truly believe my parents did the best they could with who they were and what they had.

I currently have a sobriety date of January 4, 2020. I can say that I see a definite change in my attitudes towards my resentments towards my parents, even my resentments towards myself in regards to my struggles with relapses and journeys into recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. While yes I do have the genetic gene I believe for alcoholism and other addictive behaviors, I am at a point now where I have turned everything over to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I am already beginning to see differences in my mental attitudes and my spirituality is just growing even stronger.

As long as I remember daily that I cannot drink like other people and I cannot pick up that first drink ever, then I will also remember that recovery is a JUST FOR TODAY program. I only have to live my life in recovery ONE DAY AT A TIME!! So, I have let go and I am letting God guide me for His will to be done daily and not my own. I am seeing those 9th Step Promises coming true!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

#1LinerWeds – Ask and It Will Be Given To You

2019-20-1linerweds-badge

For todays #1LinerWeds I want to remind everyone struggling with alcoholism or addiction to remember “Ask and It Will Be Given to You”. True statement if you ask your higher power and your support group for help you and you do the work, you will see the 9th Step Promises come true!

I hope enjoy this live version of Anthony Evans singing “Ask”! That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

A Late #SoCS – Directions

socs-badge-2019-2020

I am running late this week on my #SoCS, but here I am. So Linda gave us the prompt of “directions”.  So I looked at a frozen dinner in my freezer and one of those Yakisoba soups and their directions started with peel back the corner to vent contents.

Peeling back the corner of the box is kind of like peeling back that first layer of an onion. This reminds me of a classic line from Mike Meyers as Shrek to Eddie Murphy as Donkey in the family movie Shrek. “Ogre’s are like onions!”

For me this particular time of recovery from my problems with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine addiction is a reminder that those of us in recovery that are really taking their program seriously are not ogres but they are definitely like onions. As people in recovery we are slowly peeling back those layers until we get to the very core of what we are and why we are alcoholics and addicts. You see as I am moving through my recovery, I am doing things differently. I am beginning to see those 9th Step Promises coming true and I am not even a third of the way through the simple program that is suggested.

Tomorrow I will have four months in recovery and I am truly blessed to have a great sponsor who refuses to let me rest on my laurels. Right now there are no face to face meetings but I am still able to attend meetings with my online home group Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous that happens to meet in the our church In The Rooms an online recovery place which has so many other recovery program meetings for any addiction that you can imagine. I am working my steps and I am about to embark on my 4thStep which will demand true rigorous honesty on my part.

On my 90th day of recovery I purchased a brand new 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage. I would have never imagined that I would own a brand-new car. I am working a job that pays $10.50 an hour and yet I have no fear of economic insecurity. I am feeling a mental peace that I have never know even during my previous 2 1/2 years of sobriety between February 2014 and September 14th, 2016 when I turned 50 and unfortunately threw that sobriety away and have been struggling through relapses and recoveries over and over again.

In December 2019 my husband of almost 19 years at the time had open heart surgery and I did not handle it well at all. In fact, I wedged his truck in concrete barrier on Christmas Eve when I went out and got drunk – luckily, I was able to have it winched out and I drove it home. But that wasn’t enough. On New Year’s Eve I had no intention of drinking let alone getting drunk because I had to open the Dollar General that I worked at 7AM. Well I did get drunk, did not open the store and then proceeded on a bender due to the shame and remorse. On January second, I returned the keys to the store and as I was leaving, I did wreck my husband’s truck and damaged the right headlight and hood area. Again, going into another bender until the night of January 3rd when I had my last drink.

Next weekend I will be taking a rite of passage and taking a road trip in my brand-new car to Lamar, Missouri where I was born and spent summers and Christmases with my grandparents who are long gone. Sunday is May 10th, and in Mexico every and every so many years including this year is Mother’s Day. I will be going to have a conversation with my mother at her graveside as she passed on Mother’s Day May 10th 1998. But I will also be seeing my grandmothers and grandfathers, my brother and other relatives that have passed over the years. This trip I anticipate will be very cathartic and yes I NEED TO TAKE THIS TRIP, even during this troubling time in America I cannot allow my fears of another health issue to stand in my way of taking down a demon that has been such a huge part of my multiple journeys into relapsing and recovery.

This time I know that if I pick up one drink, I might as well just die because I do have another relapse in me that would be the most horrible of them all, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME!!!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!!

 

 

#AtoZChallenge2020 – You Never Let Go

Y2020

I hate for this year’s #AtoZChallenge2020 to end. Yet, here we are at the letter “Y”. Today I have chosen Jeremy Camp’s You Never Let Go from my Apple Music playlist. You never let go has always been an important reminder when I hear ti because no matter how far I fall into my alcoholism or addiction of cocaine., my Higher Power whom I choose to call God has never let go of me. Have I let go of him, many times. Yet, I always return to my faith and I know He never let’s go!!!!

That’s what’s in  My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!

Lyrics

Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back, I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
And oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah
And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
And oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah
Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes, oh
Still I will praise You, Lord
Still I will praise You, Lord, oh
Singing, oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storms
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah, oh oh
Singing, oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah
You never let go off me, oh oh oh
You never let go off me, Lord
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Redman Matthew James / Redman Beth Louise
You Never Let Go lyrics © Worshiptogether.com Songs, Thank You Music Ltd.

#SLS 4/19/20 – San Antonio 2 Fer

song-lyric-sunday

This week for #SLS Jim has prompted us with Home Town or City and this may be more challenging, because it is different from the usual prompts that has given us for Song Lyric Sunday.  Pick a place that you consider to be your home town or city, or some place that you relate to and then try to find a song that mentions it.

I have lived in San Antonio, Texas since September 8, 1990. Since that time I have lived life to the fullest to include making many mistakes and having really great milestones. I turned 30, 40, 50 and all the ages in between those milestones in San Antonio. I met the love of my life in the summer of 1997 and didn’t know it at the time because we lost touch until January 2001 when we picked up where we never left off after he called information to get my telephone number because he needed a friend, , and have been together for over 19 years. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life than my Cruzer!!!  I earned my B.A. and M.A. in Communication both at The University of Texas at San Antonio.

Have I had my struggles in San Antonio, yes I have especially with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. Learning that I was bipolar and have managed through years of deep depression. I have thrived not just survived living with HIV/AIDS since January 1997 (over 23 years). Now I am living through the strongest recovery from alcoholism and addiction than I have felt – there is just something different about this time around.

So, today I have chosen Tanya Tucker’s San Antonio Stroll  and Bob Wills’ San Antonio Rose. 

Lyrics
When I was a child down in South Caroline
Soon as Saturday sun went on down.
My folks and sister would go and leave me home all alone,
Going to that big square dance in town.
Well my old radio would play that old opry show,
So I never got lonesome or blue.
I’d fall asleep in my chair and dream that I was right there,
Just singing the whole night through.
When my folks would come home, they’d be humming a song,
Mama’d smile and say: “Child, don’t you know,
“There ain’t a thing in this world to make you fall in love girl,
“Like the San Antonio Stroll?”
Well the day finally come when my mama said, “Hun,
“It’s ’bout time you came with us as well.”
Well, I had me a time, yes, I danced all the night,
Till they rang that ol’ cracked-midnight bell.
Then the lights went down low, the fiddler picked up his bow,
And he played something stately and slow.
And my sister Eileen and her husband-to-be,
They held hands and began to stroll.
I’ve been away for a while, but it still brings a smile,
When I think of the way that it goes.
Now I’ll sing it to you just so we both can do,
That old San Antonio Stroll.
Yes, I’ll sing it to you just so we all can do,
That old San Antonio Stroll.
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Peter Noah

 

San Antonio Rose
Deep within my heart lies a melody
A song of old San Antone
Where in dreams I live with a memory
Beneath the stars all alone
It was there I found beside the Alamo
Enchantment strange as the blue up above
A moonlit pass that only she would know
Still hears my broken song of love
Moon in all your splendor know only my heart
Call back my rose, rose of San Antone
Lips so sweet and tender like petals falling apart
Speak once again of my love, my own.
Broken song, empty words I know
Still live in my heart all alone
For that moonlit pass by the Alamo
And Rose, my Rose of San Antone
Deep within my heart lies a melody,
A song of old San Antone
Where in dreams I live with a memory
Beneath the stars all alone
It was there I found beside the Alamo
Enchantment strange as…
Source: LyricFind

#AtoZChallenge2020 – New Attitude & Never Give Up

N2020

So this week has been a crazy week and so I am behind three days. Today I will be posting for the letters “N”, “O” and “P”. All in separate posts by the way. For the letter “N” for the #AtoZChallenge I have chosen one of my favorite songs by Miss Patti Labelle,  New Attitude.

This song has always been one of my anthem, especially when I have gone through a really rough patch with alcoholism or cocaine addiction. It is so important that when a person falls into relapse or multiple relapses that each time they come back with new and stronger resolve and attitude regarding their recovery.

Often times addiction, alcoholism, depression, or any other host of mental or physical health issues can cause us to lose hope and feel defeated. I know from experience that it is so important to work hard at having the ability and wherewithal to never give up. That is why I have also seen For King and Country’s  Never Give Up as another one of my anthems.

You can find the lyrics by clicking on the song titles. That’s what’s in  My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

 

#AtoZChallenge2020 – Lay Down My Pride

L2020

Here we are at the letter “L” in the 2020 #AtoZChallenge. So, as I continue my musical journey through the alphabet, I am still sharing music that is in my extensive Apple Music collection.

Today I have chose a daily anthem for me during my recovery from alcoholism and cocaine addiction. It so important that I remain humble, open minded, willing to work and listen to others. because of this I choose Jeremy Camp’s Lay Down My Pride!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

 

Lyrics
Every single word I say
You know it before I speak
You know every thought
The deepest part of me
You draw me closer then I see
Your presence is everything I need
To be the child that you’ve created me to be
I’m ready now to see it your way
I lay down my pride
My desire’s my demise
I’m ready now to see it your way
I’m done, I’m through ignoring you, now it’s true
I’m kneeling at the cross of your grace
I lay down my pride
I was faced with passing time
But I knew the choice was mine
To finally come to you and give you all control
I’ve wandered miles to find my way
And then you revealed this simple faith
I know that you can see the secrets of my soul
The cross, the blood you shed for me
Your back was ripped and bruised
So I can know your love
I kneel, I bow to you my king
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Steve Porcaro / John Bettis
Lay Down My Pride lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc