A Late #SoCS – Directions

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I am running late this week on my #SoCS, but here I am. So Linda gave us the prompt of “directions”.  So I looked at a frozen dinner in my freezer and one of those Yakisoba soups and their directions started with peel back the corner to vent contents.

Peeling back the corner of the box is kind of like peeling back that first layer of an onion. This reminds me of a classic line from Mike Meyers as Shrek to Eddie Murphy as Donkey in the family movie Shrek. “Ogre’s are like onions!”

For me this particular time of recovery from my problems with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine addiction is a reminder that those of us in recovery that are really taking their program seriously are not ogres but they are definitely like onions. As people in recovery we are slowly peeling back those layers until we get to the very core of what we are and why we are alcoholics and addicts. You see as I am moving through my recovery, I am doing things differently. I am beginning to see those 9th Step Promises coming true and I am not even a third of the way through the simple program that is suggested.

Tomorrow I will have four months in recovery and I am truly blessed to have a great sponsor who refuses to let me rest on my laurels. Right now there are no face to face meetings but I am still able to attend meetings with my online home group Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous that happens to meet in the our church In The Rooms an online recovery place which has so many other recovery program meetings for any addiction that you can imagine. I am working my steps and I am about to embark on my 4thStep which will demand true rigorous honesty on my part.

On my 90th day of recovery I purchased a brand new 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage. I would have never imagined that I would own a brand-new car. I am working a job that pays $10.50 an hour and yet I have no fear of economic insecurity. I am feeling a mental peace that I have never know even during my previous 2 1/2 years of sobriety between February 2014 and September 14th, 2016 when I turned 50 and unfortunately threw that sobriety away and have been struggling through relapses and recoveries over and over again.

In December 2019 my husband of almost 19 years at the time had open heart surgery and I did not handle it well at all. In fact, I wedged his truck in concrete barrier on Christmas Eve when I went out and got drunk – luckily, I was able to have it winched out and I drove it home. But that wasn’t enough. On New Year’s Eve I had no intention of drinking let alone getting drunk because I had to open the Dollar General that I worked at 7AM. Well I did get drunk, did not open the store and then proceeded on a bender due to the shame and remorse. On January second, I returned the keys to the store and as I was leaving, I did wreck my husband’s truck and damaged the right headlight and hood area. Again, going into another bender until the night of January 3rd when I had my last drink.

Next weekend I will be taking a rite of passage and taking a road trip in my brand-new car to Lamar, Missouri where I was born and spent summers and Christmases with my grandparents who are long gone. Sunday is May 10th, and in Mexico every and every so many years including this year is Mother’s Day. I will be going to have a conversation with my mother at her graveside as she passed on Mother’s Day May 10th 1998. But I will also be seeing my grandmothers and grandfathers, my brother and other relatives that have passed over the years. This trip I anticipate will be very cathartic and yes I NEED TO TAKE THIS TRIP, even during this troubling time in America I cannot allow my fears of another health issue to stand in my way of taking down a demon that has been such a huge part of my multiple journeys into relapsing and recovery.

This time I know that if I pick up one drink, I might as well just die because I do have another relapse in me that would be the most horrible of them all, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME!!!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!!

 

 

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