Dirty, there can be so many connotations of the word which can be clean or dirty depending on your frame of mind. I often have a horribly dirty sense of humor that can make me the life the party but must be reined in at times depending on the company I am with.
Our house is always dirty because we have five dogs, no central air, wooden floors throughout and of course my depression and manic episodes tend to drain the energy out of me at most times, therefore I do nothing. But then there are other times that my manic episodes put me on a cleaning tear, and I don’t stop projects until I am done, to the detriment of some of my mental faculties.
When the alcoholism and addict in me come out, that is when I feel the dirtiest because that is when the lies and the self-disrespect, disrespect of my husband and my family all come into play. It is the worst way to live one’s life, yet unfortunately, those of us who suffer from these issues can dive right back in without any reservation. Currently I am on the driest run that I have had since I turned 50 in 2016. I t has been three weeks since my last drink and I feel great physically and mentally that we are getting there slowly but surely.
One of things that I am most proud of, is that I have thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for 22 years as of today. Recently during my most recent bout with my issues I have been the most non-compliant patient with both my HIV meds and my mental health meds. I got to a point where I was just exhausted and tired of taking any medications and I didn’t care. Since my last episode on 1/9/19, I have been on a driving force to simplify all my medication regimens. I am working with my Infectious Diseases doctor Delia E. Bullock, with the Family Focused AIDS Clinical Treatment (FFACTS) Clinic with the University Health System of San Antonio along with my therapist Stacy Jouffray and my psychiatrist Dr. Cervando Martinez on a plan to drop me from a total of 12 pills a day to 4 pills a day. One Prezcobix and one Jucula for the HIV/AIDS along with one Depakote ER for the bipolar manic episodes and one Bupropion ER for the depression. I feel that these will be very positive in making sure that I remain compliant and I will continue to work my program to remain clean and sober.
As I work to be the best me that I can be, I will continue to work on keeping the dirty side me very much at bay and keeping the spiritually faithful individual that I am on the path to remain CLEAN and SOBER JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!
That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!